Heart To Heart

I don't know whether I'm ever going to publish this and let people read what’s going on in my mind. But if I do, the only reason I would is to help someone who is going through the same thing. Even if it's one single person. That's what I aim to do in life, I like to think that whatever I've gone through I can share with someone else in the future that could help them learn from what I've learnt. 

So from the age of 2, I suddenly became extremely shy. For years there would only be a handful of people outside of the family that I would even talk to. I would mainly hide behind my mum most of my childhood. 

Then in my early teens I had a big dramatic change in my life that affected me a lot. But from that I also stepped up, meaning I had to be there for my mum who had in the recent years become ill. I was still shy, but a few people close to me started to notice and mention to me that I was becoming more confident. Even though I was still shy, as I went through my teens I was becoming more independent and confident. Working part time in a hairdressers chatting to the customers from my village helped me, then I went to two different collages within three years. I made new friends from all over the place and some from closer to home. Made a lot of memories and I was just starting to look forward to the future.

Then as my life as just getting a lot more exciting, BAM my health goes downhill. And from that I started getting more anxious and stepping back from things. A few more bad things happened which didn't help. 

Over the next few years, I struggled health wise and trying to get people to understand. Which made my shyness worse and just made me want to hide. But then I did make some amazing friends at the same time that did distract me from that. And I know I shall be friends with these people for a very long time. But there's always some people that don't understand what you’re actually going through. 

I don't want to talk about my health because 1. I still don't understand it myself and 2. I want to talk about the part of me I've had to cope with since the start.

So the last couple of years have been half bad and half good. Good as in I've done some more amazing things in that time than I've done in the 19 years before then! And I've had the confidence to do them because I've had good people right beside me and I've had to be there for them. BUT when it comes to sticking me in a situation where it's only me, no one else is relying on me to do it. I work myself up, freeze and just break down. And it's often the daftest thing. For example I was at someone's house and we had to get up of the couch to go pick our food. I just couldn't do it, the thought of getting up and people watching me do it absolutely frightening. Or the having someone else rely on me, I have this example... So as a kid I was at a party, me and a friend wanted to get up and sing. It scared me so much but I love to sing and I thought this is the one chance I might get. I worked myself up but I still managed to get up ready to go on stage. Then my friend was like ‘No I can't do it’. I forgot all the anxiety I had and focused on getting her to do it because we were so close and would kick ourselves after. 

So there are times I can push myself. But if someone else try's to push me at something I just can’t because that makes it completely worse! A friend did that to me once, didn't realise and still doesn't, of how much the action effected me and now the thought of doing that thing completely makes me want to cry and curl up. It feels like a constant war with myself.

I love dancing and will be one of the first up dancing a lot of the time at parties and other occasions, and then there's the times where I freeze up. Mainly when I don't have people I know well around me to dance with me. 

Parties, people are surprised when I say I can't join in games at parties when I organise them myself. Party games have always been my worst nightmare since a child. But when I organise my own party's, create the games, I can hide behind them. The party's I organise, I'm in charge, I can make a good enough excuse not to join in because I'm the one who created it or I have to supervise, make the game happen. It's strange I know, but that's me though. 

It's just recently it feels like I've got worse and I hate it. I don't want to be that 21 year old who says no to things and sits in the corner. Especially when part of me is dying to join in.

If you agree with anything I've said and your going through anything like that. Please talk to someone. I used to lock everything up inside, I still do at times. I started keeping a journal for ranting out anything I need to let out and that has helped a lot. But keeping it in, it doesn't help one bit and you have to let it out. Which I'm still learning to do. I promise it helps though. Just talk to a family member, a close friend or just someone you feel comfortable with.

                                          I hope this helps,

                                                                             Mo xox